The Five Love Languages: Acts of Service

According to the Christian marriage counselor, Gary Chapman's popular pop psychology approach into marriage/relationship strengthener, our love languages are boxed into five general categories.

1. Words of affirmation (praises, compliments, encouraging and supportive words)
2. Quality time (activities together, deep meaningful heart to heart quality conversation or as simple as spending time together without saying anything)
3. Act of Service (household chores, picking or sending back someone, doing the groceries, cooking, etc)
4. Physical touch (hugs, kisses, the need of holding someone's hand to feel 'connected')
5. Gifts (small thoughtful gift as remembrance)

As we grow older and journey life longer we progressively come into a realisation that people are distinctly tuned and creatively do life differently than we do. One question may give rise to 10 varying opinions from 10 different individuals.

The general concept of the Five Love Languages theory is to stretch our mind into understanding others as we strive to fathom the mysteries of love in differing individuals. For this to come to fruition, first come an understanding of self, followed with continuous and consistent effort in comprehending others.

In the initial period of practice, it may be difficult to acknowledge that a relationship between two persons consists of two independent minds with its own set of values, perspectives, and life views. A relationship between two parties contains two separate identity no matter how similar they seem to be. That's an indisputable fact.

Five Love Languages encourages us to walk out of our comfort zone, our mindset, and our perception of being loved. As we accumulate knowledge of what our language is and how we speak love to others, we'll gain a better insight on how to serve others' interest well. The ideal pattern is two persons with an understanding of each other's love language who speak love in one another's language.

Example of Acts of Service language:

Basically it's about doing something for others that we know they would like for us to do

- Cooking meals, washing dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, changing the baby’s diaper, painting the bedroom, filling in the gas tank, cleaning the kitchen or bedroom, buying lunch, opening car doors for your wife, etc.

If this is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing speaks as loudly as these acts of service. You may give him or her words of affirmation, but they are thinking, “Cut the talk. If you loved me, you would do something around here.” For them, actions truly speak louder than words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/02/acts-of-service/

Maxine, who had been married for 15 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with her marriage. Listen to what she said: "I don't understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I'm sick of hearing 'I love you.' If he loved me, he would do something to help me."
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages.aspx

Understand yourself better by taking this short 5 min quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : ENFJ

MBTI is a very popular, widely used in companies or HR to assess people's personality and tendencies. It's a self-report type of questionnaire that develops Jung's theory of psychological types. One of the 16 MBTI personality type is INFJ.

ENFJ : Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging

E for Extraversion - Prefer to focus on the outer world with people and activities. Direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.

General characteristic: Attuned to external environment, prefer to communicate by talking, work out ideas by talking them through, learn best through doing or discussing, have a wide, broad range of interests, sociable, expressive, take initiative in work and relationships

N for Intuition - Prefer to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. Want to grasp patterns, very much into seeing and exploring new opportunities/possibilities.

General characteristic: Oriented to future possibilities, imaginative, verbally creative, focus on patterns and meanings in data, remember specifics when relatable to a pattern, move quickly to conclusions, follow hunches, want to clarify ideas and theories before putting them into practice, trust inspiration.

F for Feeling - Prefer to use Feeling in decision making. Prefer do consider what is important to them and to others involved. Can mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. Energised by appreciating and supporting others. Are always on the look for qualities to praise. Love to create harmony and treat each person as unique individual.

General characteristic: Empathetic, guided by strong personal values, assess impacts of decisions made on people, strive for overall harmony and positive interactions, compassionate, may appear tenderhearted, fair play, want everyone to be treated as an individual.

J for Judging - Prefer to live in a planned, orderly way. Seek to regulate and manage life. Want to make decisions, come to closure, and move on. Life tends to be structured and organised, and prefer to have things settled. Sticking to a plan and schedule is very important. Energised by getting things done.

General characteristics: Scheduled, organise their lives, systematic, methodical, make short and long term plans, like to have things decided, try to avoid last-minute stresses.

Contrary to other personality psychology theory or pop psychology quiz, extraversion in MBTI doesn't mean talkative or loud, as introvert doesn't mean shy or inhibited. Feeling doesn't mean emotional, judging doesn't mean judgmental or highly critical person, and perceiving doesn't mean a skilled, perceptive individual.

ENFJ type is very warm, empathetic, responsive and responsible person. ENFJ is highly attuned to their emotions, needs, and motivations of others. They find potential in everyone and want to help others fulfil these potentials. ENFJ may act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Think of ENFJ as those who are loyal and responsive to both praise and criticism alike. They are sociable, enjoy facilitating others in a group setting, and provide inspiring leadership.

Take your test here : http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : INFJ Personality Type

MBTI is a very popular, widely used in companies or HR to assess people's personality and tendencies. It's a self-report type of questionnaire that develops Jung's theory of psychological types. One of the 16 MBTI personality type is INFJ.

INFJ : Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging

At their best, INFJ people have a gift to intuitively understand complex meanings and human relationships. They have faith in their insights and find that they often empathically understand the feelings and motivations of people before the others themselves are aware of them. INFJ combine this empathic understanding with the drive and organisation to implement global plans for enhancing people's lives.

INFJ have a visionary grasp of human relationships and possibilities, which, when articulated, can hugely elevate and inspire others. INFJ seek meaning and connection in their lives and have little use for details unless they fit with their inner vision. They use their Intuition primarily internally, where they develop complex pictures and understandings.

INFJ are likely to be:
- Insightful, creative, visionary
- Conceptual, symbolic, metaphorical
- Idealistic, complex, deep

INFJ apply personal values and empathise to understand others and make decisions. They are very loyal to people and institutions that exemplify their values but have little interest in those that do not. INFJ prefers to lead persuasively by sharing their vision. Think of people who are sensitive, compassionate, empathic, deeply committed to their values.

INFJ want purpose and meaning in what they're doing, their work, their relationship, even their material possessions. They are invested in growth and development for themselves and significant others, and are willing to consider unconventional path to achieve growth. INFJ value depth and complexity of their insights and creative gifts, as well as those of others. They want to see insights realised in the world.

How others may see INFJ individuals?

Readily show compassion and caring for others, but they share their internal institutions only with those they trust. People may find INFJ difficult to know or understand because they keep the most valued, important part, private. INFJ generally communicate their internal sense of 'knowing something' by explaining it in metaphors and with complexity. They specially value authenticity and commitment in relationships.

INFJ are usually reserved, but when their values are violated, they don't hesitate to assert themselves. They can also be very persistent and insistent. People may see INFJ as very private individuals, or even mysterious, intense, and individualistic.

Take your test here : http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : INTJ

MBTI is a very popular, widely used in companies or HR to assess people's personality and tendencies. It's a self-report type of questionnaire that develops Jung's theory of psychological types. One of the 16 MBTI personality type is INFJ.

INTJ : Introversion, Intuition, Thinking, Judging

I for Introversion - Prefer to focus on own inner world of ideas and experiences. Direct energy and attention inward and receive energy from reflecting on thoughts, memories, and feelings.

General characteristics: Drawn to the inner world, prefer to communicate in writing, work out ideas by reflecting on them, learn best by reflection or 'mental practice', focus in depth on their interests, private and emotionally contained, take initiative when the situation or issue is very important to them.

N for Intuition - Prefer to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. Want to grasp patterns, very much into seeing and exploring new opportunities/possibilities.

General characteristic: Oriented to future possibilities, imaginative, verbally creative, focus on patterns and meanings in data, remember specifics when relatable to a pattern, move quickly to conclusions, follow hunches, want to clarify ideas and theories before putting them into practice, trust inspiration.

T for Thinking - Prefer to look at the logical consequences of a choice or action. Want to mentally remove themselves from the situation to examine the pros and cons as objective as possible. Energised by critiquing and analysing to identify what's wrong with something so they can solve the problem. The goal is: to find a standard or principle that will apply in all similar situations.

General characteristics: Analytical, cause-and-effect reasoning, solve problems with logic, strive for an objective standard of truth, reasonable, appear 'tough-minded', fair, want everyone to be treated equally.

J for Judging - Prefer to live in a planned, orderly way. Seek to regulate and manage life. Want to make decisions, come to closure, and move on. Life tends to be structured and organised, and prefer to have things settled. Sticking to a plan and schedule is very important. Energised by getting things done.

General characteristics: Scheduled, organise their lives, systematic, methodical, make short and long term plans, like to have things decided, try to avoid last-minute stresses.

Contrary to other personality psychology theory or pop psychology quiz, extraversion in MBTI doesn't mean talkative or loud, as introvert doesn't mean shy or inhibited. Feeling doesn't mean emotional, judging doesn't mean judgmental or highly critical person, and perceiving doesn't mean a skilled, perceptive individual.

INTJ personality is known for having original minds and possessing great drive to implement their ideas and achieve their goals. INTJ quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, INTJ will organise a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, INTJ individuals have high standards of competence and performance, both for themselves and others.

Take your test here : http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : INFJ

MBTI is a very popular, widely used in companies or HR to assess people's personality and tendencies. It's a self-report type of questionnaire that develops Jung's theory of psychological types. One of the 16 MBTI personality type is INFJ.

INFJ : Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging

I for Introversion - Prefer to focus on own inner world of ideas and experiences. Direct energy and attention inward and receive energy from reflecting on thoughts, memories, and feelings.

General characteristics: Drawn to the inner world, prefer to communicate in writing, work out ideas by reflecting on them, learn best by reflection or 'mental practice', focus in depth on their interests, private and emotionally contained, take initiative when the situation or issue is very important to them.

N for Intuition - Prefer to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. Want to grasp patterns, very much into seeing and exploring new opportunities/possibilities.

General characteristic: Oriented to future possibilities, imaginative, verbally creative, focus on patterns and meanings in data, remember specifics when relatable to a pattern, move quickly to conclusions, follow hunches, want to clarify ideas and theories before putting them into practice, trust inspiration.

F for Feeling - Prefer to use Feeling in decision making. Prefer do consider what is important to them and to others involved. Can mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. Energised by appreciating and supporting others. Are always on the look for qualities to praise. Love to create harmony and treat each person as unique individual.

General characteristic: Empathetic, guided by strong personal values, assess impacts of decisions made on people, strive for overall harmony and positive interactions, compassionate, may appear tenderhearted, fair play, want everyone to be treated as an individual.

J for Judging - Prefer to live in a planned, orderly way. Seek to regulate and manage life. Want to make decisions, come to closure, and move on. Life tends to be structured and organised, and prefer to have things settled. Sticking to a plan and schedule is very important. Energised by getting things done.

General characteristics: Scheduled, organise their lives, systematic, methodical, make short and long term plans, like to have things decided, try to avoid last-minute stresses.

Contrary to other personality psychology theory or pop psychology quiz, extraversion in MBTI doesn't mean talkative or loud, as introvert doesn't mean shy or inhibited. Feeling doesn't mean emotional, judging doesn't mean judgmental or highly critical person, and perceiving doesn't mean a skilled, perceptive individual.

INFJ people seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. INFJ want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. They are conscientious and highly committed to their firm values. INFJ are able and prefer to develop a clear vision about how to serve the common good. This personality type is organized and decisive in implementing their vision.

Take your test here : http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Gary Chapman 5 Love Language: General Ideas

In Gary Chapman's famous 5 Love Languages relationship theory, the ways we love or express our affection to our loved ones are classified into 5 different languages : Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts.

Three general ideas that I got is: 

1. Everyone have one (or two or three) love language unique to themselves. Sometimes this is influenced by family upbringing, friends and social environment. Nature and nurture play together in developing someone's preferred language. Thus, our love language can evolve too as time goes by and our maturity level increases.

2. Success = To speak love using the language most relevant to the other party. If the other person's love language is words of affirmation or encouragement, the best way to truly express our love to that person is by showering he/she with positive words, compliments, genuine praises of their accomplishments, supportive notes, etc (instead of giving he/she box of chocolate).

3. The feeling of 'not being loved' is due to communication breakdown somewhere along the line between two parties. Perhaps Jen's love language is quality time, and thus Jen expects Matt to consistently show interest into what she's interested in, doing activities together, or have regular deep, meaningful, heart-to-heart conversation. But Matt's love language is acts of service, so he expresses himself by doing house chores for Jen.

Because of this language difference, no matter how much work Matt has done for Jen, she can possibly still 'feel unloved'. Not because Matt hasn't done enough, but because Matt speaks differently.

A good understanding of our love language and people's language is the key to successful relationship.

Understand yourself better by taking this short 5 min quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/five-love-languages-by-gary-chapman.html

Shannon sat reclined in her chair with a plush red blanket. I gently ran my fingers through her hair and walked across the room to sit down and hear about her day. This is good, I thought. This communication will refill her love tank which has obviously been sucked dry by our twin terrors. We talked for an hour. I heard about her day, and she listened to mine.

Satisfied and sufficiently replenished from our connection, I announced I was going to bed.

"I don’t feel loved.”

Like a thief caught in the act, I froze. The dots between confident, mystified, and thwarted began to connect in my head. Hadn’t I just deposited a good hour of emotional currency?

My love language is touch. Yours is words. You get energy from our discussions. I need touch.”
She was right. I had really thought I was loving her well. The only problem was I loved her the way I need to be loved, not the way she needed it.

I mustered up some pathetic defense, “But remember when I ran my hands through your hair before I sat down?”

In preparation for writing on this topic, I took the five minute love languages assessment at 5lovelanguages.com. Of the five choices (Touch, Words, Service, Quality Time, and Gifts), my top needs are acts of service and words of affirmation. You know where physical touch fell? Dead last. I don’t even know if you can score a 0 on the scoring system. I scored a 1. My wife is doomed.

Wouldn’t it be nice if our first inclination was to love our spouse in the way he or she needed to be loved?
I see husbands and wives make the mistake of loving their spouses by way of their own love language. It is an easy mistake. Naturally the thought process goes something like this: “I see my spouse. I want to love him well. I know what makes me feel loved. I will do that really well for him.”

But then despite well-meaning effort, connection breaks down.

(Read more at: http://www.startmarriageright.com/2014/01/speaking-a-new-language/#sthash.3wGGPERW.dpuf)

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) : ENFP

MBTI is a very popular, widely used in companies or HR to assess people's personality and tendencies. It's a self-report type of questionnaire that develops Jung's theory of psychological types. One of the 16 MBTI personality type is ENFP.

ENFP : Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving

E for Extraversion - Prefer to focus on the outer world with people and activities. Direct their energy and attention outward and receive energy from interacting with people and from taking action.

General characteristic: Attuned to external environment, prefer to communicate by talking, work out ideas by talking them through, learn best through doing or discussing, have a wide, broad range of interests, sociable, expressive, take initiative in work and relationships

N for Intuition - Prefer to take in information by seeing the big picture, focusing on the relationships and connections between facts. Want to grasp patterns, very much into seeing and exploring new opportunities/possibilities.

General characteristic: Oriented to future possibilities, imaginative, verbally creative, focus on patterns and meanings in data, remember specifics when relatable to a pattern, move quickly to conclusions, follow hunches, want to clarify ideas and theories before putting them into practice, trust inspiration.

F for Feeling - Prefer to use Feeling in decision making. Prefer do consider what is important to them and to others involved. Can mentally place themselves into the situation to identify with everyone so they can make decisions based on their values about honoring people. Energised by appreciating and supporting others. Are always on the look for qualities to praise. Love to create harmony and treat each person as unique individual.

General characteristic: Empathetic, guided by strong personal values, assess impacts of decisions made on people, strive for overall harmony and positive interactions, compassionate, may appear tenderhearted, fair play, want everyone to be treated as an individual.

P for Perceiving - Like to live a flexible, spontaneous way of living. Seeking to experience and understand life rather than to control it. Feel confined by detailed plans and final decisions, prefer to stay open to new information and last-minute options. Energised by their resourcefulness in adapting to the demands of the moment.

General characteristic: Spontaneous, flexible, casual, open-ended, adapt and change course as needed, prefer to have things loose, open to change, feel energised by last-minute pressures.

Contrary to other personality psychology theory or pop psychology quiz, extraversion in MBTI doesn't mean talkative or loud, as introvert doesn't mean shy or inhibited. Feeling doesn't mean emotional, judging doesn't mean judgmental or highly critical person, and perceiving doesn't mean a skilled, perceptive individual.

ENFP individuals are warmly enthusiastic and imaginative. They see life as full of possibilities. They easily make connections between events and information very quickly, and confidently proceed based on the patterns they see. ENFP need and want a lot of affirmation from others, and they are also quick on giving appreciation and support. They are spontaneous, flexible, often rely on their ability to improvise and their verbal fluency.

You can take your test here : http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Have fun!! (^_^)

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

This is one of the revolutionary pop psychology quiz that brings lots of breakthrough in my relationship understanding. I'm totally sold. Gary Chapman is a Christian marriage counsellor.

It's funny how humans love to put people or things into 'boxes'. Categories. Classifications. Hierarchies. Subs. Basically to simplify our brain's interpretation of the world and what's happening around us. I'm aware of myself doing this often and lots of other people too.

For one, this Love Languages concept puts a nice box into five different languages, or ways, people express and receive love.

1. Words of affirmation (praises, compliments, encouraging and supportive words)
2. Quality time (activities together, deep meaningful heart to heart quality conversation or as simple as spending time together without saying anything)
3. Act of Service (household chores, picking or sending back someone, doing the groceries, cooking, etc)
4. Physical touch (hugs, kisses, the need of holding someone's hand to feel 'connected')
5. Gifts (small thoughtful gift as remembrance)

Sometimes conflicts rise up not because people don't love us, but because the way they show their love to us isn't the way we expect them to be. The key is understanding ourselves and understanding people. When we understand how we navigate, and how people navigate, it's so much easier to resolve conflicts and extend love in a way most easily accepted by those who matter :)

You can check your language here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

Loving From Strengths

A thought that comes up from a post I read in Relevant magazine.

Do you love from insecurities or do you love from strengths?

Although the question sounds very simple with obvious answer, I used to missed the obvious. And I'm sure many have also missed this obvious for the lack of better relationship education. Hopefully this can help give light to the obvious for you (in case you've missed it too) :)

Insecurities - What can you do for me?
Strengths - What can I do for you?

Loving out of insecurities demands from others. It's an uncomfortable feeling you experience when you see others succeed more than yourself. They just can't get it right. They don't understand you enough. They don't try to love you enough. You don't feel loved and cared and appreciated for because their efforts aren't visible to your eyes.

You don't want to be affectionate because you think they aren't deserving. They need to apologise first because you are the one being wronged. And even if you're the one with the mistakes, you expect them to understand that it is a tough and difficult day for you. You want people to readily forgive and extend their loving arms to you when you need those.

You want people to always be around. They need to learn to be more available, more responsible, more committed, more and more etc.

You see that relationship's all about expectation. I see loving out of insecurities as a way to force our expectation into people's lives. This is very illogical since everyone will eventually do what's best according to their personal principles and values.

The irony is, loving out of insecurities screams out fear. It is about our anxiety of being alone and lonely. It is about feigning 'love' as a tool to manipulate people into doing things according to 'our best interest' instead of their best interest.

Some people consciously choose to stay in an unwise/destructive relationship because that's the only option left. I'm very tempted to say that two insecure people staying together is a very bad recipe for healthy relationship/friendship, but I know many people who seem to be doing just fine. Commitment is a big contributing factor to this success.

Noone's perfect and no relationship will ever be perfect. It comes back again to our expectation.

So how do I think I'll recognize loving out of strengths?

It is when I'm willing to give. Sacrifice. Put effort and work on things toward the better future of the relationship. It starts with the mindset of 'What can I do for him/her?'

What can I do for my family? Plenty. I can start picking up the small, ignored necessary details of life by helping them with phone bill discount info, promo stuffs, credit card saving tips, or whatever administrative stuffs that is such a bore but I'll do it because it's one way to express my love. Or I can say "I miss you", let them know that their presence matters, appreciate their commitment by saying thanks often, etc. I can also go supermarket and shop some fatty snacks just because I know we all enjoy the guilty feelings of nighttime snacking together. Or I can simply go to my parent's bedroom and watch TV together with them.

There are countless ways, actually, to show love to people. Even a sincere how are you or are you okay question makes a difference when our heart is sincerely wanting to know how people are doing. Simply put, loving from strengths mean when I'm able to treat others with this 'What can I do for you' mindset. And in order to have 100% success rate of doing that, I'll need to be healthy. To be healthy, I need to stay close and connected to Jesus, by prayer and persistent daily devotion.

God is amazing. What can I do for you? :)

Lamp On A Stand

Luke 8:16-21

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.”

Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.”

He replied, “My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.”

Jesus was talking about the parables of seeds in the verses before this, saying how different seeds (God's Words) thrown at different soil condition/location (human's heart) will produce different results (faith and life change).

I'm thinking, what does it mean with whoever has will be given more? What does it mean by whoever that does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them? Does the has refers to material possession? Or God's light? Or has as in people who have listened to God's Words?

“My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.” This line also puts emphasis on Jesus' definition of listening to God's words. Hearing without doing is pointless, I guess, just like faith without action is a dead, empty faith. A change of one's course of action comes naturally with a change of heart.

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light." No one who's experienced God's love and built intimate relationship with Jesus will be able to suppress the urge to spread His words. It's similar to a glass filled with an endless stream of fresh water. It overflows.

Being filled with God's love is like a heart overflowing with compassion, joy, peace, gentleness, and warmth. Which being on earth doesn't desire that kind of heart? It is like an internal force from within us, unable to resist the pressure of love oozing out of our self. God is supernaturally amazing.

Prayer today: Thank you Lord for your great love for me. Thank you for reaching out to me first, and make me realise that everything else in life is connected to You. Dear God, teach me to surrender my life even more and to rely on Your guidance even more. Open my eyes to see life more clearly, so I can understand Your wisdom and know Your heart deeper. Make me humbler, guard the light You've put in my heart, and teach me to obey Your instructions. Tell me more about discipline, Lord. In Jesus name I pray, amen.