Three general ideas that I got is:
1. Everyone have one (or two or three) love language unique to themselves. Sometimes this is influenced by family upbringing, friends and social environment. Nature and nurture play together in developing someone's preferred language. Thus, our love language can evolve too as time goes by and our maturity level increases.
2. Success = To speak love using the language most relevant to the other party. If the other person's love language is words of affirmation or encouragement, the best way to truly express our love to that person is by showering he/she with positive words, compliments, genuine praises of their accomplishments, supportive notes, etc (instead of giving he/she box of chocolate).
3. The feeling of 'not being loved' is due to communication breakdown somewhere along the line between two parties. Perhaps Jen's love language is quality time, and thus Jen expects Matt to consistently show interest into what she's interested in, doing activities together, or have regular deep, meaningful, heart-to-heart conversation. But Matt's love language is acts of service, so he expresses himself by doing house chores for Jen.
Because of this language difference, no matter how much work Matt has done for Jen, she can possibly still 'feel unloved'. Not because Matt hasn't done enough, but because Matt speaks differently.
A good understanding of our love language and people's language is the key to successful relationship.
Understand yourself better by taking this short 5 min quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/
http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/five-love-languages-by-gary-chapman.html
Shannon sat reclined in her chair with a plush red blanket. I gently ran my fingers through her hair and walked across the room to sit down and hear about her day. This is good, I thought. This communication will refill her love tank which has obviously been sucked dry by our twin terrors. We talked for an hour. I heard about her day, and she listened to mine.
Satisfied and sufficiently replenished from our connection, I announced I was going to bed.
"I don’t feel loved.”
Like a thief caught in the act, I froze. The dots between confident, mystified, and thwarted began to connect in my head. Hadn’t I just deposited a good hour of emotional currency?
My love language is touch. Yours is words. You get energy from our discussions. I need touch.”
She was right. I had really thought I was loving her well. The only problem was I loved her the way I need to be loved, not the way she needed it.
I mustered up some pathetic defense, “But remember when I ran my hands through your hair before I sat down?”
In preparation for writing on this topic, I took the five minute love languages assessment at 5lovelanguages.com. Of the five choices (Touch, Words, Service, Quality Time, and Gifts), my top needs are acts of service and words of affirmation. You know where physical touch fell? Dead last. I don’t even know if you can score a 0 on the scoring system. I scored a 1. My wife is doomed.
Wouldn’t it be nice if our first inclination was to love our spouse in the way he or she needed to be loved?
I see husbands and wives make the mistake of loving their spouses by way of their own love language. It is an easy mistake. Naturally the thought process goes something like this: “I see my spouse. I want to love him well. I know what makes me feel loved. I will do that really well for him.”
But then despite well-meaning effort, connection breaks down.
(Read more at: http://www.startmarriageright.com/2014/01/speaking-a-new-language/#sthash.3wGGPERW.dpuf)
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