Five Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

One of the most revolutionary popular mass psychology concepts on love and relationship, Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I've discussed about Acts of Service here:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/the-five-love-languages-acts-of-service.html

Now, let's elaborate more on the language of Words.

It is the beauty of kind and gentle words spoken to encourage and appreciate our loved ones. It is the uplifting sentences we utter to cheer them when they're down, to acknowledge the pains they're going through, or as simple as the basic "I love you" to affirm our affection. 

Words of affirmation, words of appreciation, or words of encouragement. These are positive words desperately needed in a healthy home environment where people truly let go of the masks and pretense of having-it-all in the external world. 

Home ought to be the safest haven where our loved ones feel most secure to identify personal strengths and weaknesses. Sadly, many dysfunctional parent relationship pass down the destructive culture of belittling and harsh criticism for perfection. 

That's where words play its crucial part. People who score high on the language Words feel the most pain when they receive negative critics. Hurtful words will be like verbal ammos to the heart, leaving scars deep inside. And sometimes, the lack of positive appreciation may hurt as much. 

People crave recognition. If we can't get it from the world, we'll try to get it at home. If we can't receive it at home, then where else do we seek the affirmation we desperately need?

Examples of important words of affirmation:

I love you

Thank you for your hardwork

I really appreciate your presence

Thanks for being thoughtful

I admire your honesty

Doesn't matter what people think, I believe the best in you

Noone can do the way you do it

I am grateful to have you

Thank you for being a great part of my life

I appreciate your sacrifices and effort to make this happen

You are important to me

I value our relationship

Words can either bring healing or curses. Words can either build up or destroy relationships. People with language of Words as their main love language fully realise that although action matters, the words that they sow matters much more than the result of the actions.

The primary channel to communicate affection is through words, to appreciate loved ones and let them know how important they are. 

"One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”

Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words."

The general explanation of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/five-love-languages-by-gary-chapman.html

What I deduce from the love language concept:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/gary-chapman-5-love-language-general.html

The Five Love Languages: Acts of Service

According to the Christian marriage counselor, Gary Chapman's popular pop psychology approach into marriage/relationship strengthener, our love languages are boxed into five general categories.

1. Words of affirmation (praises, compliments, encouraging and supportive words)
2. Quality time (activities together, deep meaningful heart to heart quality conversation or as simple as spending time together without saying anything)
3. Act of Service (household chores, picking or sending back someone, doing the groceries, cooking, etc)
4. Physical touch (hugs, kisses, the need of holding someone's hand to feel 'connected')
5. Gifts (small thoughtful gift as remembrance)

As we grow older and journey life longer we progressively come into a realisation that people are distinctly tuned and creatively do life differently than we do. One question may give rise to 10 varying opinions from 10 different individuals.

The general concept of the Five Love Languages theory is to stretch our mind into understanding others as we strive to fathom the mysteries of love in differing individuals. For this to come to fruition, first come an understanding of self, followed with continuous and consistent effort in comprehending others.

In the initial period of practice, it may be difficult to acknowledge that a relationship between two persons consists of two independent minds with its own set of values, perspectives, and life views. A relationship between two parties contains two separate identity no matter how similar they seem to be. That's an indisputable fact.

Five Love Languages encourages us to walk out of our comfort zone, our mindset, and our perception of being loved. As we accumulate knowledge of what our language is and how we speak love to others, we'll gain a better insight on how to serve others' interest well. The ideal pattern is two persons with an understanding of each other's love language who speak love in one another's language.

Example of Acts of Service language:

Basically it's about doing something for others that we know they would like for us to do

- Cooking meals, washing dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, changing the baby’s diaper, painting the bedroom, filling in the gas tank, cleaning the kitchen or bedroom, buying lunch, opening car doors for your wife, etc.

If this is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing speaks as loudly as these acts of service. You may give him or her words of affirmation, but they are thinking, “Cut the talk. If you loved me, you would do something around here.” For them, actions truly speak louder than words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/02/acts-of-service/

Maxine, who had been married for 15 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with her marriage. Listen to what she said: "I don't understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I'm sick of hearing 'I love you.' If he loved me, he would do something to help me."
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages.aspx

Understand yourself better by taking this short 5 min quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

This is one of the revolutionary pop psychology quiz that brings lots of breakthrough in my relationship understanding. I'm totally sold. Gary Chapman is a Christian marriage counsellor.

It's funny how humans love to put people or things into 'boxes'. Categories. Classifications. Hierarchies. Subs. Basically to simplify our brain's interpretation of the world and what's happening around us. I'm aware of myself doing this often and lots of other people too.

For one, this Love Languages concept puts a nice box into five different languages, or ways, people express and receive love.

1. Words of affirmation (praises, compliments, encouraging and supportive words)
2. Quality time (activities together, deep meaningful heart to heart quality conversation or as simple as spending time together without saying anything)
3. Act of Service (household chores, picking or sending back someone, doing the groceries, cooking, etc)
4. Physical touch (hugs, kisses, the need of holding someone's hand to feel 'connected')
5. Gifts (small thoughtful gift as remembrance)

Sometimes conflicts rise up not because people don't love us, but because the way they show their love to us isn't the way we expect them to be. The key is understanding ourselves and understanding people. When we understand how we navigate, and how people navigate, it's so much easier to resolve conflicts and extend love in a way most easily accepted by those who matter :)

You can check your language here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/singles/

Lamp On A Stand

Luke 8:16-21

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.”

Now Jesus’ mother and brothers came to see him, but they were not able to get near him because of the crowd. Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to see you.”

He replied, “My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.”

Jesus was talking about the parables of seeds in the verses before this, saying how different seeds (God's Words) thrown at different soil condition/location (human's heart) will produce different results (faith and life change).

I'm thinking, what does it mean with whoever has will be given more? What does it mean by whoever that does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them? Does the has refers to material possession? Or God's light? Or has as in people who have listened to God's Words?

“My mother and brothers are those who hear God’s word and put it into practice.” This line also puts emphasis on Jesus' definition of listening to God's words. Hearing without doing is pointless, I guess, just like faith without action is a dead, empty faith. A change of one's course of action comes naturally with a change of heart.

"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light." No one who's experienced God's love and built intimate relationship with Jesus will be able to suppress the urge to spread His words. It's similar to a glass filled with an endless stream of fresh water. It overflows.

Being filled with God's love is like a heart overflowing with compassion, joy, peace, gentleness, and warmth. Which being on earth doesn't desire that kind of heart? It is like an internal force from within us, unable to resist the pressure of love oozing out of our self. God is supernaturally amazing.

Prayer today: Thank you Lord for your great love for me. Thank you for reaching out to me first, and make me realise that everything else in life is connected to You. Dear God, teach me to surrender my life even more and to rely on Your guidance even more. Open my eyes to see life more clearly, so I can understand Your wisdom and know Your heart deeper. Make me humbler, guard the light You've put in my heart, and teach me to obey Your instructions. Tell me more about discipline, Lord. In Jesus name I pray, amen.