Five Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

One of the most revolutionary popular mass psychology concepts on love and relationship, Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I've discussed about Acts of Service here:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/the-five-love-languages-acts-of-service.html

Now, let's elaborate more on the language of Words.

It is the beauty of kind and gentle words spoken to encourage and appreciate our loved ones. It is the uplifting sentences we utter to cheer them when they're down, to acknowledge the pains they're going through, or as simple as the basic "I love you" to affirm our affection. 

Words of affirmation, words of appreciation, or words of encouragement. These are positive words desperately needed in a healthy home environment where people truly let go of the masks and pretense of having-it-all in the external world. 

Home ought to be the safest haven where our loved ones feel most secure to identify personal strengths and weaknesses. Sadly, many dysfunctional parent relationship pass down the destructive culture of belittling and harsh criticism for perfection. 

That's where words play its crucial part. People who score high on the language Words feel the most pain when they receive negative critics. Hurtful words will be like verbal ammos to the heart, leaving scars deep inside. And sometimes, the lack of positive appreciation may hurt as much. 

People crave recognition. If we can't get it from the world, we'll try to get it at home. If we can't receive it at home, then where else do we seek the affirmation we desperately need?

Examples of important words of affirmation:

I love you

Thank you for your hardwork

I really appreciate your presence

Thanks for being thoughtful

I admire your honesty

Doesn't matter what people think, I believe the best in you

Noone can do the way you do it

I am grateful to have you

Thank you for being a great part of my life

I appreciate your sacrifices and effort to make this happen

You are important to me

I value our relationship

Words can either bring healing or curses. Words can either build up or destroy relationships. People with language of Words as their main love language fully realise that although action matters, the words that they sow matters much more than the result of the actions.

The primary channel to communicate affection is through words, to appreciate loved ones and let them know how important they are. 

"One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”

Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words."

The general explanation of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/five-love-languages-by-gary-chapman.html

What I deduce from the love language concept:

http://www.angeliciaang.com/2014/03/gary-chapman-5-love-language-general.html

Dr Willard Harley: His Needs, Her Needs

Another famous marriage counsellor, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. with his best-selling book: His Needs, Her Needs. Dr. Willard Harley Jr. is a worldwide-known clinical psychologist and bestselling author of many books, such as Five Steps to Romantic Love, Love Busters, and His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. Together with his wife, he also hosts a daily radio call-in show, Marriage Builders.

The basic concept is clear, men have different needs than women. Not surprising. The book also classifies different emotional needs according to top 5 needs for each male and female gender. Some emotional needs are more important than other needs, and these needs are subjective to individual's preference shaped by his/her circumstances/experience.

On top of that, Dr Harley also notes some common concepts such as love bank and how the balance in this love bank relates to a person's current "feeling of love" toward the partner. Dr Harley strips off selfless, unconditional love or benevolence in spousal relationship and pushes us to see a man-woman dynamic through a harsh, realistic lens of life: that we are human beings subject to fulfilling our selfish nature and self-needs.

Not recommended for newlyweds, but do read the book to receive hands-on, practical insights on developing healthy communication habits for troubled marriage.

In summary, the concepts that he employs during counselling sessions are:
#1 The Love Bank
#2 Instincts and Habits
#3 Most Important Emotional Needs
#4 The Policy of Undivided Attention
#5 Love Busters
#6 The Policy of Radical Honesty
#7 Giver and Taker
#8 The Three States of Mind in Marriage
#9 The Policy of Joint Agreement
#10 Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

And top 5 emotional needs for men and women are:

His Needs Her Needs List: Men's Needs

1. Sexual Fulfilment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

His Needs Her Needs List: Women's Needs

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Commitment
5. Family Commitment 

You can see more elaborate explanation of his concepts in www.marriagebuilders.com, http://www.hisneedsherneeds.com/his-needs-her-needs-list.html

Singapore Marriages and Divorces Statistics Publication 2014

The official statistics for divorce rate in Singapore was released annually by Department of Statistics Singapore. This figure is based on the 2014 publication, which estimates 2013 figures.

We can observe that in 2013, the total number of marital dissolutions (involving divorces and annulments) was 7,525 - which was around 4% higher than the 7,237 divorces and annulments in 2012.

You can see more here: http://www.singstat.gov.sg/publications/publications-and-papers/marriages-and-divorces/marriages-and-divorces

Common Defense Mechanisms

http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/0001251?all=1

We all have employed these defense mechanisms. We know the forms and shapes of these mechanisms, but only a few know how to define them. 

Mental defense system is specially important in psychodynamic. Here are the basic and most common defense mechanisms we can encounter in our everyday life:

1. Denial

Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development. Many people use denial in their everyday lives to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t wish to admit. For instance, a person who is a functioning alcoholic will often simply deny they have a drinking problem, pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.

2. Regression

Regression is the reversion to an earlier stage of development in the face of unacceptable thoughts or impulses. For an example an adolescent who is overwhelmed with fear, anger and growing sexual impulses might become clingy and start exhibiting earlier childhood behaviors he has long since overcome, such as bedwetting. An adult may regress when under a great deal of stress, refusing to leave their bed and engage in normal, everyday activities.

3. Acting Out

Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally.

4. Dissociation

Dissociation is when a person loses track of time and/or person, and instead finds another representation of their selfj in order to continue in the moment. A person who dissociates often loses track of time or themselves and their usual thought processes and memories. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases, dissociation can lead to a person believing they have multiple selves (“multiple personality disorder”). People who use dissociation often have a disconnected view of themselves in their world. Time and their own self-image may not flow continuously, as it does for most people. In this manner, a person who dissociates can “disconnect” from the real world for a time, and live in a different world that is not cluttered with thoughts, feelings or memories that are unbearable.

5. Compartmentalization

Compartmentalization is a lesser form of dissociation, wherein parts of oneself are separated from awareness of other parts and behaving as if one had separate sets of values. An example might be an honest person who cheats on their income tax return and keeps their two value systems distinct and un-integrated while remaining unconscious of the cognitive dissonance.

6. Projection

Projection is the misattribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.

7. Reaction Formation

Reaction Formation is the converting of unwanted or dangerous thoughts, feelings or impulses into their opposites. For instance, a woman who is very angry with her boss and would like to quit her job may instead be overly kind and generous toward her boss and express a desire to keep working there forever. She is incapable of expressing the negative emotions of anger and unhappiness with her job, and instead becomes overly kind to publicly demonstrate her lack of anger and unhappiness.

8. Repression

Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses. The key to repression is that people do it unconsciously, so they often have very little control over it. “Repressed memories” are memories that have been unconsciously blocked from access or view. But because memory is very malleable and ever-changing, it is not like playing back a DVD of your life. The DVD has been filtered and even altered by your life experiences, even by what you’ve read or viewed.

9. Displacement

Displacement is the redirecting of thoughts feelings and impulses directed at one person or object, but taken out upon another person or object. People often use displacement when they cannot express their feelings in a safe manner to the person they are directed at. The classic example is the man who gets angry at his boss, but can’t express his anger to his boss for fear of being fired. He instead comes home and kicks the dog or starts an argument with his wife. The man is redirecting his anger from his boss to his dog or wife. Naturally, this is a pretty ineffective defense mechanism, because while the anger finds a route for expression, it’s misapplication to other harmless people or objects will cause additional problems for most people.

10. Intellectualization

Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context. Rather than deal with the painful associated emotions, a person might employ intellectualization to distance themselves from the impulse, event or behavior. For instance, a person who has just been given a terminal medical diagnosis, instead of expressing their sadness and grief, focuses instead on the details of all possible fruitless medical procedures.

11. Rationalization

Rationalization is putting something into a different light or offering a different explanation for one’s perceptions or behaviors in the face of a changing reality. For instance, a woman who starts dating a man she really, really likes and thinks the world of is suddenly dumped by the man for no reason. She reframes the situation in her mind with, “I suspected he was a loser all along.”

12. Undoing

Undoing is the attempt to take back an unconscious behavior or thought that is unacceptable or hurtful. For instance, after realizing you just insulted your significant other unintentionally, you might spend then next hour praising their beauty, charm and intellect. By “undoing” the previous action, the person is attempting to counteract the damage done by the original comment, hoping the two will balance one another out.

Read more here in the original article: http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/0001251?all=1

MBTI Short Online Quiz

http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Take your short and quick MBTI test there, and have a little bit more understanding of your unique personality makeup :)